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Tuesday, August 07, 2012

today, with partial punctuation

Today, or maybe yesterday (time has been broken for years) is the anniversary of my brother's death. Today it has been nine years since I lost him. Today I try to figure out how that is even possible but no calculations make sense. Today I am happy that I am marked forever by love even though it is inconvenient. Today I eat strawberries. Today I host a good friend. Today I make jokes about not wanting to leave the house. Today I do work for a few hours until my eyes get tired from the screen. Today I don't tell anyone about today until right now. Today I smell a phantom dead mouse and gag a little. Today I take a nap until I have a nightmare. Today I finally vacuum the rug. Today I miss you, and you, and you. Today I am angry about all that's been taken from me. Today that thought does not eat me alive, only nibbles on the edges. Today I cried while using Photoshop specifically the rotate canvas button that I could not get to rotate us right-side-up. Today I wear safety orange shorts because it is hot and I am lazy and you would have loved them too.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

love you, carrie. xoxo, shaya

S.E.C. said...

Sending you a big hug, peanut!

Amanda said...

Well. You were an excellent host in your very safe shorts, and if I had known what the week also signified, I am sure I could have stumbled through an awkward "what can I say?" Instead, I'm glad we talked about the good stuff and the tough stuff, and that by Friday, the mouse-smell had wafted away.

Sarah said...

Beautifully expressed!

Carrie said...

Thanks everyone for commenting. It is very difficult for me to see this picture when I come to my blog; if I know people are reading, it really helps.