Today, or maybe yesterday (time has been broken for years) is the anniversary of my brother's death. Today it has been nine years since I lost him. Today I try to figure out how that is even possible but no calculations make sense. Today I am happy that I am marked forever by love even though it is inconvenient. Today I eat strawberries. Today I host a good friend. Today I make jokes about not wanting to leave the house. Today I do work for a few hours until my eyes get tired from the screen. Today I don't tell anyone about today until right now. Today I smell a phantom dead mouse and gag a little. Today I take a nap until I have a nightmare. Today I finally vacuum the rug. Today I miss you, and you, and you. Today I am angry about all that's been taken from me. Today that thought does not eat me alive, only nibbles on the edges. Today I cried while using Photoshop specifically the rotate canvas button that I could not get to rotate us right-side-up. Today I wear safety orange shorts because it is hot and I am lazy and you would have loved them too.
5 comments:
love you, carrie. xoxo, shaya
Sending you a big hug, peanut!
Well. You were an excellent host in your very safe shorts, and if I had known what the week also signified, I am sure I could have stumbled through an awkward "what can I say?" Instead, I'm glad we talked about the good stuff and the tough stuff, and that by Friday, the mouse-smell had wafted away.
Beautifully expressed!
Thanks everyone for commenting. It is very difficult for me to see this picture when I come to my blog; if I know people are reading, it really helps.
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