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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

10 things about food poisoning/stomach flu:

1) You will learn new and exciting things about your body’s capacity to store partially digested food.

2) You may see a half-finished New York Times Sunday crossword in the trashcan, that, as you vomit on it, magically yields new answers so much more easily than when you worked on it three weeks ago.

3) Everyone you tell about your predicament will tell you to stay hydrated and you will want to punch them in the face.

4) All the time off of work will be useless, you will barely be able to focus, much less finish that book.

5) You will cry at least once, possibly in the shower, while vomiting.

6) When questioned about your profanities, you may have to tell the person you have sex with, “I didn’t make it.”

7) In between eruptions, you will barely be able to move and your restless sleep will be plagued with nightmares.

8) The second day seems much better, but only until hunger sets in.

9) You will want to die, but, sadly, you won’t.

10) You will never see Thanksgiving leftovers the same way again.

3 comments:

Amanda said...

oh, honey, terrible! So sorry to hear this is how you've "enjoyed" the past few days. I had a similar episode within hours of returning from a lovely Italian dinner last winter and have never determined whether the restaurant or roving flu virus was the culprit for ruining lasagna for ETERNITY.

b said...

Poor poor lady.

Here's some lesser-known advice that I hesitate to discuss in the public domain for fear of being mocked by the "medical establishment," but here goes: stay hydrated!

moonlight ambulette said...

I'm glad you have a tag called "vile bodies."